How to Deliver Feedback Without Being an A**hole
The No A**hole Rule
Robert Sutton wrote a book about it for a reason: demeaning people do real harm—to culture, trust, and performance. Leaders who deliver toxic feedback often don’t realize the damage they cause.
Toxic Feedback = Fixed Mindset
Toxic feedback tells people:
“You’re the problem.”
“You can’t improve.”
“No one’s in your corner.”
This shuts people down. They disengage, lose confidence, and start job hunting.
Phrases like:
“You’re not working to your potential.”
“This isn’t acceptable anymore.”
“You need to stop doing this immediately.”
...are toxic. They create shame—not growth.
Lead from Respect, Not Bullying
Leaders either lead from respect—or from ego. Respect builds engagement, learning, and trust. Bullying breeds fear and resistance.
Your Words Matter
Every word has impact. As a leader, your language shapes how people see themselves—and their future.
5 Ways to Deliver Feedback Without Being an A**hole:
Ask first. “What makes feedback helpful or unhelpful for you?”
Call it ‘ideas.’ “I’ve got some ideas on this…” feels lighter than “I have feedback.”
Request reverse feedback. “If you ever have ideas for me, I’d love to hear them.”
Focus on strengths. “Which of your strengths could help with this?”
Share your intent. “I’m sharing this because I care about your growth.”
These shift the tone to curiosity, care, and partnership.
Permanent Change Is Possible
Most toxic feedback-givers aren’t bad people—they’re just untrained. Once they learn how development really works, they change. We’ve seen it happen in coaching time and again.
